Uncertainty .

Please, just once more, please give me love. There's no train that can take me home. Please tell me darling.. darling, darling.. I thought I heard your voice.
A wilted flower hissed, "No more emotions, no more emotions as my heart has spewed out a grievous evening ." kicking away a sign that says "No Entrance," a fierce shadow begins to drip and spill all over.
Crying on and on that " I can't find them," I'm still searching for my emotions. So please tell me darling.. darling, darling.. If a telephone never rings, where is its life headed? On this seething seething loop line, there's none-- no terminal stop. Ringing on the left, left, and then right, at the railing crossing is the sound "clickety-clack"
A crow says " You'll never go back to that time, you have already become an adult. " So please, just once more.. please give me love. Please destroy this endless loop. Darling.. on that day I became an adult.
I'm thinking nonstop, two people, one person, unable to retrieve the words that have sunk with the setting sun. さよなら, darling,
" Keep on walking alone miserably "
-

I thought about early in the morning yesterday. The broken pieces of my heart were standing in my way.
I didn't really seem to know what it was, all the shards cut me up, wondering deep inside if this is what we want. Even though I knew from the darkest depths inside my heart, the best decision we could make would be the hardest part. Denying all the love that i know is there, the contradiction, regret and despair, there was no time to tell you, I don't think there ever was. I struggle now, I told myself this was the only way through.
The world that we live in, there's nothing that I can do. Every smile that you gave me, our memories fade away. You could say that I've pulled the plug.
At first I screamed so much that I lost my voice and yet the sound just echos on and on, but it's all in vain. There's nothing left, everything that we once had I guess it's all gone. There's only static on your line and I'm left all alone.
I know that things do happen and changes us, we fall apart, and drift away, the pieces don't fit the same. I tell myself that no matter what we do, life is just like that. Until the tears are falling dry, I tell myself
" Life is just like that. "
All we gotta do is just be friends. During the night before I lay in bed, I'm wide awake, thinking about the memories that I leave and what I take. It made me so upset that I had to see that it would do me better to just leave it all behind. There's no reasons to keep flowers that won't bloom. Just like our passion, they're dead and dying all too soon. All the fighting and the pain that we would cause, no reason for emotional loss. We filled our minds with thorns till we couldn't bear anymore. We both grew bored and unaware, looking to other places. And though it's hard to, I just have to face it, that I know I can't change my mind, I still want to be with you and somehow, just let you know there's a dark cloud that's storming over me. It's killing me, I'm stunned and I can't really see clearly right now.

Despite the bravery that I showed you, it's not really there. The pain is overwhelming all my nerves to know you don't care. It's over now and I'll try to say goodbye to what I can't have.
You're no longer my sweetheart and I'll just have to live with that. Maybe one day, just maybe one day, If I could have that one single wish come true, I'll be born again and again and again just to relive the days that I can be with you. it's time to say farewell, my friend.
Why does it have to be goodbye?

Today I won't be writing much, just my own observatory of myself.

So I hope I'm just being paranoid and that what I observe are just coincidental.. So lets begin.

About 5 days ago I started hearing voices.
About 4 days ago I thought I saw some figures.
3 days ago, what I believed was that a remedy which was to stop your nose from bleeding, that has been tried on someone who had constant nose bleed, stopped. 16yr-25yr ( never bled again )
And also tested on the whole family so it actually works, says a bunch of outsiders as well.. probably some sort of Chinese medicine? Well back to the point, I have had it as well and amazingly my nose hasn't bled
in over a year.

So, 3 days ago my nose suddenly started bleeding.
2 days ago, It bled again.
today, i woke up because i sensed my nose about to leak, but it wasn't mucus but blood, lots of blood just running down my face.

I just hope this is all coincidence because 7 month is coming, that Chinese believes the doors of hell would open up and spirits would all return for that month.

For more than 5 years, I've had the Same nightmare on the same day.. and in the nightmare, I died a merciless death, killed by something you can't see. Something that isn't even there.

I wonder, has my time finally come? Maybe I won't be able to see tomorrow somewhere in that month. So just in case I really don't.. I want to tell you guys, I'm sorry for always pushing everyone away, my pride made a fool of me. I've always loved your companies, the people you were and changed to be.
If I ever did something to hurt you, I've never meant it, I couldn't stop myself. All the sorrys I wanted to say, my voice couldn't come out so instead, I used lies to cover it up, saying "Yes I did it out of hate, that I never liked you. I planned to have us broken, shattered. "
But the truth is, I never wanted anyone else to leave. I never, wanted to go but if my time really is up, you've got to work harder for what you believe in, I'll always be there with you, you can always find me in your heart. I'll be smiling down from heaven or the depths of hell. Just don't regret the things you've never got to say or do.

We all know that we're all different, I could probably never be her, the one I admire the most, the one I want to to be. It's all fine, because we weren't born to copy but learn and adapt.
I guess it's because of this that made me who I am, the past is the past, I don't care about who was in there but who is with me now. That's probably why I'm so easy to cheat and why I'm always putting up a front, giving out this aura for people to back away. I guess it's stupid because I just want someone to stay no matter how much I push or no matter what I do. I'm so selfish but please try to understand, I've had enough of people leaving, I'll do anything to chase anyone who tries to come close to me as a reflex, I can't help it because I'm frightened that I'll get too attached and then abandoned. It happened too much, I can't trust what anyone else says, I'm full of doubt. So I get played and back-stabbed as a result. I won't tell you that I enjoyed the company, I can't give you a reason to fool me. So I've become a liar and deceived you and everyone. I guess I went too far.. otherwise I wouldn't be alone again. I'm fine without the company, I was originally alone to begin with. If you want to come back to my side, I'll welcome you.

I welcome anyone who thinks they can handle me, yes I'll open my arms wide for you.
But then again, do take note, I am corrupted and mean. Evil as some might say so if you don't think you're up for it, You'd better leave before your heart break into a million. My heart doesn't beat for anyone, it doesn't beat at all.

I've indulged myself in more fantasy, I guess I'm driving myself crazy with desires. Desires my hands can never lay upon, out of my reach.. way out.
But I guess it's fine, I want to know if there's another life ready for us when we die, I don't want to aimlessly float around the dark abyss after death. But even if we do reborn, we won't have our previous memories, we'll join that screwed up generation we've despised.. isn't it better to remain dead then? There's so much I can't do, I lack the natural talent for it, I can't do it in this body.
I won't suicide just to see if I can find a short cut to another life.. I won't take that risk. I detest myself, this face, this body.. this personality. I don't wish to have this knowledge. The ones that knows too much finds it hard to be pleased. Everything contradicts. Or maybe it's just my greed.
The ones born lucky, to have such a face, talent. How does it feel? I wonder. All I can do now is fantasize.
I've been spending my alone time thinking and hurting myself, am I in misery? But if I was, why does the pain satisfies me.
Life is complicating, I don't know if anyone has figured it out yet, maybe the best way to be happy is to not be? I guess I will never know. I thought that sometimes I could read someones motives, their intentions, but I hoped to be proven wrong. Why do people give up so easily? Maybe they couldn't stand the pain and suffering.. well I guess that's fine, I've never expected much for anyone anyways. Is this why I'll never be filled? This heart is beating, but it's solid hard.
I wish I could understand, I wished I wasn't me. My abilities are trapped in this tainted body. Please set me free, I can't take it any longer.. I don't want to go insane than I already am, I don't want to lose my own precious life. But if this goes on forever, God knows what I'll do to myself.

Maybe I'm already dead before I was born.

I will never love kids.

This shall be the last time I've checked out your every site.
And this is why I will never trust.
I ~~guess~~ it's really the end. I should never have hesitated, no.
It was my fault from the start to even let you speak your mind during our first chat.
If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have let you near.

These are the moments where my mind should be in a mess yet it's so clear.
I should be the one asking when you questioned why I've blocked you once again.
Isn't it obvious? Didn't you use your mind at least once? Because you've never replied all the while
you were online, for hours. The silence was your answer.
-

My dear, why is it that always through a third party, I find out how previous people felt.
You said you saw a bit of you in me, am i following in your sorrowful footsteps?
Then tell me why do i enjoy such misery. You've turned me into a masochist for feelings.
Hunger for pain and suffering of everyone including me. Why do i smile so greatly when bad things
befall me?
I begged for a second chance, but you'll never forgive betrayal. I too, shall not after my experience.
Once you learn you wouldn't turn back. I've felt that as well.
I'm slowly maturing by the pain inflicted in me, You'll be my guide. I'll never forget you but I won't love you anymore. I'm done matching up, there's no need for me to. Because you're already dead inside my head.

You make a great memory. The both of you shall be remembered but never will i turn my feelings backwards time. I can't rewind if you don't give me a reason to. So now I shall flip my page, thanks for the lesson. You both shall be missed.